Things You Should Not Say to an Infertile Couple

Things You Should Not Say to an Infertile Couple

My husband and I have been trying to make a family for SEVEN years. After many pregnancy losses, heartbreaks, and sleepless nights, we chose to hit the brakes a few years ago. 

Ironically, this was a good day. I stopped acupuncture, herbs, eating pineapple, giving up caffeine, standing on my head, and every other thing I tried to get pregnant.

We took a much needed break to focus on each other before slowly and carefully choosing to pursue adoption. We believed it was the best way to build our family over IVF, donor eggs, etc. It was not a last resort for us. It was a choice. But it was never easy.

We’re just about to hit the three-year mark in our wait. If you told me seven years ago – or even three years ago – we would still not be parents, I’d have told you I’m out. All of our friends have kids, including every single person we’ve met in the adoption process. We’re literally the last ones standing.

Some days this thought makes me fall to my knees. Other days I go into the nursery, smell the baby clothes, rock in my glider, and smile. In fact, we're currently knee deep in paperwork for our fourth home study round – medical forms, references, legal clearances, fingerprints, financials, etc.

Along this infertility/adoption journey, I’ve found solace, hope and friendship with some amazing and supportive people. I'm beyond bless to have such love in my life.

But through it all, I'm still amazed by some of the things people will say to a couple struggling with infertility or adoption (and yes, these all come from personal experience)...

  1. Why don’t you just adopt? It’s a long, hard and uncertain road, and a decision that you should come to from an open and positive space. There’s nothing easy about it.
  2. Just get an egg from someone. Yes, people ask this. We’ve been in this process for seven years. We know all of the options. Maybe we tried that. Maybe we don’t want to.
  3. Why are you so picky? Just because we haven’t been placed with a baby yet doesn’t mean we are picky when it comes to race, drugs,  birthparents, etc. You have no idea what we are open to. We go up against 100 + couples for each situation.
  4. I would never want an open adoption. Open adoption is the norm these days. It’s a different world, and one that we have chosen to enter. We all want to know where we come from, and I’d never deprive my child of that right.
  5. When will you give up? Yup, get this one a lot. Well marriage is hard too, but we don’t plan on giving up on each other when the going gets rough. Life is hard. But hopefully, we will stay strong and never give up. 
  6. Why don’t you switch to another agency? Picking an agency is like picking a spouse. You aren't going to like them every day. But you recognize the end game. Also, if you have the additional $10k we need to switch, I might consider it.
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